Public Service Announcement:

I will not answer my phone.

I will not answer my door.

If you need to see me, please text me and schedule an appointment for a future date and time. Showing up unannounced is a bold strategy, but I can assure you that neither of us will enjoy the results.

I am essentially a scared little woodland creature that somehow acquired a job, and adult responsibilities. If spotted unexpectedly in public, I WILL get spooked and behave abnormally.

Please do not mistake this for rudeness. I am simply running a highly advanced operating system called Socially Awkward 4.0, which immediately crashes when faced with surprise human interaction.

Also, I promise I am not giving you dirty looks.

First of all, I’m blind as a damn bat.

Second, I genuinely do not know what to do with my face at any given moment. While you’re having a perfectly normal conversation, I’m busy wondering if I’m making eye contact, making too much eye contact, accidentally staring through your soul, or looking like I’m plotting your downfall.

If you catch me squinting at you from across a room, I’m not judging you. I’m trying to figure out if you’re a person I know, a complete stranger, or a decorative plant.

In fact, if you look up the definition of “socially awkward” in the dictionary, you’ll find a picture of me desperately trying to decide whether to wave, smile, say hello, pretend I didn’t see you, or just slowly back away into nearby shrubbery.

Thank you for respecting my boundaries and allowing me to continue existing comfortably as the weirdest person you know.

Sincerely,

The Human Equivalent of a Feral House Cat