My Pets Have Been Added to the Shit List and I Need $75,000

I would like to officially announce that Kashmir “The Black Dog” Miller the 1st has been added to my shit list.

Joining her is Salem “Goos” the Cat Miller the 7th.

The charges against them are extensive.

They include:

– Scratching the bed.

– Scratching the wall.

– Scratching each other.

– Scratching me.

– Scratching the carpet.

– Scratching me again because apparently once wasn’t enough.

– Engaging in violent slap-fights while I am trying to sleep.

And not just regular slap-fights.

No.

These furry little psychopaths wait until I have finally achieved that magical state of sleeping in, then launch themselves onto my bed like they’re competing in some underground WWE championship.

I wake up every morning feeling like I spent the night trapped in a mosh pit.

Meanwhile, because life enjoys keeping things interesting, I found a house.

Not just a house.

THE house.

You know the one.

The house that immediately causes your brain to abandon all logic and start calculating impossible scenarios.

I need approximately $75,000.

Now before you start offering suggestions, please know that I have already explored several avenues.

My son informed me that selling my body and selling drugs are both “morally wrong.”

I suppose that’s fair.

So those options are off the table.

My cousin Sam, however, was significantly more solution-oriented.

She suggested selling a kidney on the black market.

Finally.

Someone willing to think outside the box.

I explained that there are five people in this household. Surely we can pool our resources.

Everyone donates one kidney.

Maybe half a liver.

Teamwork makes the dream work peeps!

Apparently this is also frowned upon.

At this point I’m running out of options.

The pets aren’t contributing financially.

The teenagers somehow consume enough groceries to bankrupt a small nation.

My husband continues to insist that “we should make responsible financial decisions, and cut back. We will figure it out” which sounds suspiciously like something a person says when they don’t want to sell their organs.

So for now I suppose I’ll continue pursuing legal income streams.

Writing.

Blogging.

Affiliate marketing.

Building content.

Applying for unemployment and new jobs.

You know… all the boring methods that don’t require international smuggling operations.

Still, if anyone knows how to legally acquire $75,000 while simultaneously surviving a cat, a dog, and the general chaos of family life, feel free to let me know.

I’ll be over here trying to sleep while two furry felons practice mixed martial arts on my spine.

Pray for me. Chant. Send good vibes. Blow some magic dust. Whatever you do please do