I know. I KNOW.

I have friends.

You all exist.

I see your Facebook posts. I react to your memes. I occasionally comment “OMG SAME” under your complaints about life, children, and the cost of groceries. AND sometimes I randomly see you like IN THE WILD!

But where, exactly, are the adult friends who actually leave their houses and do things?

Because somehow my husband has an entire ecosystem of friends.

Not one friend.

Not two friends.

A whole damn network.

At any given moment Matt can:

Meet someone for lunch.

Run into a friend at the gas station.

Have a random phone call.

Get invited to a barbecue.

Know a guy who knows a guy who can fix literally anything.

Meanwhile, I’m over here hiding in the car while the husbands gather watching the game and the wives sit in the bleachers making normal human conversation.

And I’m just…

existing awkwardly.

The wives are lovely.

I am the problem.

I don’t know how to join conversations. I don’t know what the rules are. Do I just walk up and say, “Hello fellow adults. I, too, have paid an electric bill recently?”

I feel like a social experiment.

Like someone dropped me into a group and said:

“Let’s see if she assimilates.”

Narrator:

She did not assimilate.

The thing is, I love my kids.

I genuinely do.

They’re funny. They’re smart. They’re chaos goblins that I created and somehow keep alive.

But sweet baby Jesus.

I need adult time.

Not “running errands alone” adult time.

Not “grocery shopping without children” adult time.

Not “sitting in the car for ten minutes pretending I forgot something” adult time.

I mean REAL adult time.

The kind where you laugh so hard your stomach hurts.

The kind where nobody asks for snacks.

The kind where nobody yells “MOM!” from another room.

The kind where conversations don’t involve me reminding them to do the chores, school schedules, or whether someone remembered to feed the pets.

I want to know where are the friends who say:

“Hey, we’re doing something Friday.”

And then we actually do the thing.

Not six months of:

“We should totally get together sometime!”

Yes.

We should.

And yet somehow we never do.

Meanwhile Matt can walk into a random town in another state and somehow find someone he knows.

I’m convinced this man could get stranded on a deserted island and within thirty minutes he’d be grilling burgers with a former coworker’s cousins roommate who he knew from job corps or boys town!

I don’t understand it.

At this point I think he could be dropped into the Arctic Circle and hear:

“MATT?! Is that you? Holy shit how the hell are ya!?”

And somehow the answer would be yes. It is indeed Matthew…. he knows I love him people! I promise!

So if anyone has figured out the secret to finding adult friends who actually hang out, please share your wisdom.

Because I’m one more awkward social gathering away from becoming the weird sits in her car lady permanently.

And honestly?

The car lady is getting lonely. 😂